


Burn me

by 7Squid



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Comfort Sex, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Consent, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, One Shot, Post-Canon, Swearing, Triggers, dark themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 10:48:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4622478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/7Squid/pseuds/7Squid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We are soldiers. We aren't deserving of happiness."</p>
<p>After Erwin and Hanji (Hange?), Armin takes over the post of commander. Levi sees him headed towards a destructive spiral and  intervenes, determined to pull him out of the depths.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Burn me

**Author's Note:**

> Dark themes throughout, and given that I wrote this to get a particularly bad mental health day out of my system, I apologise if some things are a bit insensitive. I'm not sure what are the appropriate tags. If anyone thinks I should add any, please feel free to suggest any additional tags that could be helpful as trigger/content warning. (Also, Teen and up? Mature? I don't know.....please advice, will update.)
> 
> According to canon after Erwin the next in line would be Hanji, and (at present moment) my head canon is that Armin will take over. Levi seemed like a person who wouldn't take the post of the commander, but would be loyal to whoever is. 
> 
> I do not own Isayama's characters or settings, just borrowing. I'm sorry for any OOC, I'm relatively new to writing in fandoms, and this is the first fic to this fandom. Unbeta-ed. Mistakes all mine. Con-crit welcome.

**The first commander, he followed by chance.**

**The next, he followed by obligation.**

**This one, he followed by choice.**

* * *

 At first, the younger man would always look up to his previous superior and asked for advice. The older man has always been impressed with the passion, tenacity, and brilliance of that mind. Although offering some advice, he’s always stood by the commander’s every order and decision. The blonde would always consult and confide in the captain about plans and strategies. However, as time goes on, he quickly settled into the role of shouldering not only responsibilities, but also secrets, the blames, the curses, the guilt. As conversation frequency drops, Levi could only stand by his commander and silently support him.

The black haired man has seen a few commanders in his lifetime, and he’s sure he knows where this young one is heading towards. He chose to follow this young mind and he will make sure he follows through.

The first time it happened, he initiated it. Looking into his current commander’s eyes, he desperately want to see the broken child once again. But he was greeted merely with apathy and indifference.

The next day, they went back to business, neither spoke of the incident.

The next time, he was summoned to his office, blinds drawn. Eyes weary and dejected. Neither of them spoke.

He kept his cool and complied, allowing it to happen without putting up any resistance.

The message was loud and clear: “Let me feel something.”

Every time after that, they fell into a habit. Being one of the few who were left alive after too many cycles, they could read every twitch on each other’s body.

There were no emotions in their destructive relationship – if it could even be called that. It was more of an anchoring point of reminding each other – _they are human._

Each time they had their rendezvous, regardless of the location, he stayed by his commander’s side. Sometimes he stayed the night, both men sleeping with backs facing each other without touching, silently grateful for the company. If one had a particularly rough night, the other didn't respond, allowing an illusion of privacy.

**We are soldiers. We aren't deserving of happiness.**

* * *

It was a bloodbath. Humans aren't the only being that evolve. Whatever they are, and any hybrids in between – they were evolving too. And they are out for blood.

Ever since then, the commander was watched like a hawk, every decision creating waves and ripples of resentment. Every question was met with cold unseeing blue eyes. The younger man pulled away from the few remaining fellow soldiers from his trainee years. All of them grew more and more distant from their leader, confusion and pained expression masked with solemn understanding. The captain stayed by his side, refusing to budge from his position. The commander didn't push him any further after the 5th attempt at pushing him out.

Is it by guilt? By sympathy? By obligation? By a sense of superiority?

**We are soldiers. We can’t have happiness.**

* * *

_“Someone who can't sacrifice anything, Can never change anything._

_That to defeat a monster, you have to be willing to throw aside your humanity."_

A mantra repeating in his head, he sent more and more to their graves.

**We are soldiers, and I'm a monster. I'm not deserving of happiness.**

* * *

After a particularly risky operation meeting, the captain was approached by some of the newer recruits.

“Don’t you care? He’s sending us, including YOU to your grave. With the chances he’s taking, there will come a day where he will get us all killed!”

“I stand by my word since the beginning and I will repeat it however many times if needed. I will stand by his every decision and I will follow him, even if it’s clearly to my grave. If you brats can’t handle a bit of danger then why the fuck are you here anyway? You can pack and notify your squad leaders. I'm sure they are more than happy to let you leave.”

Of course, his commander was just around the corner and overheard it. That night, when he was summoned to the private chambers, he was not surprised. What threw him was that fact that his commander was huddled in a corner, head hung low, buried in his hands, shaking slightly, not even acknowledging the older man’s presence.

“Commander.”

He was met with silence. The young man continued to shake, remaining in that position, breathing getting heavier and more laboured. He approached the still thin frame and held him from the side, chin resting on the head with hair tied back into a neat ponytail.

When the commander calmed down enough to raise his head, the shorter man was met with wet salty skin.

That night, he held the taller blond, holding him close. The blond didn't move, but he knew the young brilliant mind was far from asleep.

“Why are you still here? Shouldn't you be showing distaste for my decisions? I'm sending them to their graves. Like I'm sending you to yours tomorrow.”

“Don’t mind those brats. I’ll be fine. I will say it again. I will follow you no matter what your decision is, because I know you. You have the ability to make the right decision. And I will follow you even if it costs me my life. The brats too. They are willing to lay down their lives for you. I will not hesitate to lay down my life for you. We offered our hearts, remember.”

The next day, the captain came back unconscious in the injured cart.

* * *

The captain was in the infirmary for a week before he was discharged and told to rest for another couple weeks for the broken bones in his arm and leg to mend fully. For the initial week, he was in and out of consciousness from the blood loss and anaesthetic. Throughout his hazy memory, he recalled seeing the young face of his commander beside his bed. But when he was fully alert, he didn't see even a shadow.

He hobbled to the office out of habit, only to be kicked out again.

“Go rest, and I don’t want to see you until you are fully healed.”

“I still can…”

“Out. I'm too busy with paperwork to entertain you and your stubbornness. It’s an order.”

Needless to say he was jumpy throughout his recovery, not only from boredom. As much as he won’t admit it aloud, he’s grown attached and fond of that boy, brilliant mind filled with never ending amounts of knowledge, once young and blue eyes filled with passion, self-doubt, troubled past, and determination.

Full of emotion.

When did it start to falter? When did it harden to such ruthless eyes?

And when, again, did cracks start to surface?

Ever since then, they barely saw each other outside of official purposes, the younger man spending most of his time well into the night mulling over work, strategies and new researches. The elder chose to train his body back up, and if his commander didn't request for him anymore, it’s okay, he wasn't bitter.

**We are soldiers. We shouldn't dwell on happiness.**

* * *

It has been a while and the captain was getting worried of the commander’s well-being. The entire squad has barely seen their commander’s presence after that mission. Although it was a standard expedition and the casualty count was much lower than expected, the damages done were still rather extensive. With over a third of the troop injured, most assume that the commander was working harder to replace the losses and strategize another plan with available resources.

One night when he didn't see the commander in the mess hall or emerge from his office, he decided to pay a visit unannounced. He knocked on the door and was only met with silence. He opened the door and sees the figure slumped over the table, paperwork sprawled across, tea cold and untouched.

The young face was looking tired, body looking haggard and overworked. He traced a thumb across the sunken cheeks, noting that the younger man was not eating much. He felt a sharp pang looking at the figure way too young to shoulder such heavy burden.

“Armin……”

The blond woke up and was met with steel eyes frowning at him. He tried to returning to work on his remaining paperwork, only to be stopped by a hand guiding him away from the papers.

“Don’t.”

“Not now. I've got…”

The older man shushed him with his lips, ignoring any protest from the taller man. He was still the stronger one after all.

That night, he felt hands bunching up against his shirt, Armin’s forehead against his shoulder blades.

“I almost lost you.” came a soft, low voice.

“I'm here. And that’s all that matters.” He ruffled the soft blonde locks.

**Just because you had all this happen doesn't mean you aren't deserving of happiness.**

* * *

Over the next few months, they managed to not only reclaim more land, but also learn a lot more from the new researches. Hanji has left a big gap to fill but the young soldier who took over did a great work in uncovering more and more mystery. Although, there was one problem.

They needed to hit the core and that requires a huge sacrifice.

Literally. They had to send a hybrid in to end the bloodshed. It was a suicide mission for a certain green eyed brunette, who was also the commander’s best friend.

There was no correct answer. Despite reassurance from both of his closest friend – no, family – he cannot bring himself to sign his best friend’s death warrant. He knew, it was for the best of mankind. Everything will end. There will be no more dead bodies in carts, no more decapitated comrades, no more blood, no more….

Armin signed the papers and broke down. When the raven haired man walked in, he was heartbroken after hearing the words leaving his commander’s mouth.

“Promise me, when the time comes, you will be the one who kill me. I want you to destroy me.”

He couldn't reply, so he silently stood watching his commander’s tears streaming down.

**More than anyone, you most deserve a better life than this, where you can hope for happiness.**

* * *

Two days later, he was left leading a legion without any of the comrades he stood with before, save his former captain. The few remaining from 104 th squad being sent in as a special task force, as they provide the best chance for the plan to be a success.

Although being hailed as one of the most successful mission, with the least casualties and – after multiple confirmation – the end of fear ruling the land, no one in the regiment was in the mood for celebration. The townsfolk were rejoicing and bringing out their best food and drinks for the occasion. The walls were being destroyed and humankind as a whole began their first steps into the new world.

Back in the barracks however, the atmosphere was solemn and the newer recruits dare not utter a word. The commander congratulated them for a successful mission and dismissed them with no further instruction.

Steel gaze followed the too stiff shoulders. He took a deep breath and went straight to the blonde’s private quarters. The door was nearly slammed in his face – he caught it between the gaps before the leader decides to lock it.

Nudging his way into the small chambers he locked the door and wasted no time in closing the gap in between them, giving the now much taller man a fierce hug from behind, while blue eyes cracked and break, silently screaming, body slowly crumbling to the ground. The black haired man only held on tighter, tears that he denied in public streaming down soaking the back of his commander’s shirt.

Then, wet droplets fall onto Levi’s arms paired with a heart wrenching scream. If anyone in the barracks heard it, no one was about to interrupt.

When the cries died down to vicious sobs, the raven haired man can feel not only both their hearts, but also both their souls break.

“I should have died. There, with them. I killed my best friend, my family, and everyone’s who’s ever cared.”

_You’re wrong. I care. And I'm still here._

“The brats still need you, I still need you.” Levi muttered in to golden hair, tears refusing to stop.

**You should have happiness.**

* * *

There were ceremonies in the inner city (ironic, given that they are now allowed more freedom, the rich stuck up bastards still live in their posh settlements). There were parades, medals, awards, feasts, fireworks.

However, none of that could bring a genuine smile to the young commander’s face.

In fact, his raven haired companion notes, he couldn't feel anything. Victory, success, triumph – they meant nothing, empty words being thrown around by people, congratulating them for a job well done.

That’s all it amounts to. Void. Empty words. Feeling dead inside.

Was it worth throwing away his humanity for other people to smile, so carefree?

Was it worth all the lives? The death warrants he’d signed?

Was it worth the ocean he promised to see? Was there even meaning to travelling, going alone?

What about the promise they made as kids? Bright eyed, full of possibilities?

If he knew he would feel so hollow, he would've chose to fail as a commander, and died with his comrades under the command of another.

**I'm** **a monster. I'm not deserving of happiness. I cannot have happiness. I'm not allowed happiness.**

**I should’ve died.**

* * *

Levi can only watch as his commander fall deeper and deeper into oblivion. The troops were collectively given some time off. For the other scouts like them, with no families to return to, they chose to take time off to explore. The barracks were empty and only the 2 of them remained. Each day, they would clean, eat, and he would stare at the young commander looking either into the distance, or looking at some memento of his old squad, his friends, his family.

The raven haired would have been lying if he said he didn't feel some semblance of loneliness from being so close but yet so far away from his commander. The boy he watched over, the boy he trained, the boy he saw grew into a fine young man, a great leader. The boy he now watch destroy himself, broken and not willing to pick the pieces up.

The boy he want desperately to yell at, to scold him out of his stupor, but doesn't have the heart to. Not after all that’s happened.

Currently Armin’s watching the vast land that spans outside his window, letting the wind toy idly with his hair, tied in a half ponytail. Levi turned him around, and begin nuzzling his neck.

“Levi.”

Surprised at the use of his first name, after such a long period of silence and a longer period of ‘captain’ and ‘sir’, he looked up and cupped the taller man’s cheek.

Armin leaned in to the touch and uttered the very same thing Levi didn't want to hear again.

“Destroy me.”

“I don’t have to. You are already doing it to yourself. Look at me. Focus at me.”

“Kill me. Only you have the right to judge me. I don’t have the right to die by my own means.”

“You deserve more than this. You've done it. What about the ocean you used to talk about? The mountains? The vast land? It’s a lot bigger out there right? You wanted to see it. You won’t if you keep staying here.”

“All their memories are here. I can’t leave. I'm a monster. I'm not deserving of happiness. I cannot hope to have my dreams fulfilled when I robbed others of theirs. I should’ve died. And you deserve more than me...”

“No.” Levi cut him off without letting him finish.

_No. I won’t let you. I won’t abandon you. You are more human than you think. Please don’t do this to yourself._

All the shorter man could do was hold him tighter, willing for him to fight.

He sometimes regretted initiating the very first encounter.

_I wanted to see some emotion didn't I? Now he’s breaking. Broken, even._

Although he also knows, if he didn't, his commander might not be even standing here, having burned out a long time ago.

He’s torn, he’s grieving, for all his comrades, all who’s ever been in his squad, for those who fought along with him, for those he followed, for those he lead, for those he trained, for those he protected.

And now in front of him, he wants to protect this precious one who’s left. The only one who’s left. The one he chose to train, to protect, to lead, to trust, to help, to reassure, to comfort, to support.

So when Armin decided to quit and pass the chain of command to him, he refused. He quit along with him and followed him in search of the ocean.

And when they finally reached, bringing what is left of his previous squad with him, they left everyone at the beach, lining the little objects and badge patches under a shady tree, and walked towards the water.

The salt on his tongue could be the ocean, or his tears.

When Armin submerged, not willing to come back up to the shore, Levi was frantic and attempted to drag him out.

When he sees the vivid blue eyes, he understood.

_I've_ _seen the ocean, and tasted the wind. This is more than anything I could've asked for. I cannot hope to live as well. There is only so much I should have. And this is it._

There is no way for him to forgive himself, no way to convince that he’s not a monster and he deserves more than just this bit of happiness.

So he took out the blade he always carry, gave a quick slice to his beloved commander’s jugular while holding him tight, still half submerged in the water. The only way he could control, is making it quick, despite knowing that the man wise beyond his years wanted to suffer as much as possible.

_Destroy me, he said._

And when he felt the cool blade against his own jugular, he held no regrets.

**This is their happiness, and that’s all they’re worth. And that’s OK.**

* * *

**The first commander, he followed by chance.**

**The next, he followed by obligation.**

**This one, he followed by choice.**

**The only one he chose to follow, and he will follow him to the grave.**

* * *

_And if there is a hell I will meet you there._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm very sorry for feels, and any offence caused, and possibly shitty use of repeated adjectives. Or just a horrible fic in general that didn't make sense. *bows* 
> 
> Levi's squad seems to be a separate entity that doesn't follow the usual ranking structure of the Survey Corps. So I left his ranking as captain. Also, my brain didn't supply me with what happened to the previous commander, or what information concluded the fights. So it's up to the reader's imagination.


End file.
